A World of Her Own

Chapter 2: A World of Her Own
“There she goes again, smilin' as she goes off to do her chores,” Terah heard Uncle Fred say to Aunt Helen, as she started across the yard.

“Always been that way,” Aunt Helen replied.

But Terah heard no more. Not only was she too far away, but her mind was on other things. She loved the smell of the damp grass in the morning and the feel of it under her bare feet and between her toes. Evidently Aunt Helen hadn't noticed that she was barefoot for she hadn't made a fuss about her catching a death of cold.

It didn't bother Terah that her aunt and uncle were talking about her. She knew that it pleased them that she did her chores without complaint. Their own children grumbled plenty.So Terah just walked on smiling to herself, enjoying the fresh new morning, with its bright new sun waking the world around her, warm on her cheeks.

“You'd think doin' chores was a treat,” Aunt Helen went on. “Though I don't know why. Just wish our own kids were that pleasant about doin' theirs.”

“Yeah, me too,” Uncle Fred put in. “But they're not and they wouldn't want her job either, especially when the weather's bad.”

“Even that doesn't affect Terah.”

“Oh well, at least one out of three kids don't moan first thing after breakfast, as if they've got a stomach ache or toothache.”

At that Aunt Helen chuckled and patted her husband's arm. “Well now dad,” she said, “I think most kids dislike their chores. I did. Didn't you?”

Uncle Fred smiled a knowing smile and nodded. “Terah's just different,” he said. “Always has been. She's ahead of her age too. Look how she carries herself. Only ten, but walks like a refined lady. Just seems to come by it naturally.”

“Well, I surely didn't teach her.” Aunt Helen laughed. “As you say, she's just different. One thing's for sure, she's no bother and that's for certain. No bother a-tall.”

If Terah hadn't been so anxious to get out to Sugar and her pups, and if her aunt and uncle hadn't been standing in the doorway watching her, she might have actually laid in the grass a few minutes and let the sun soak into her face. But she figured all six little chubby pups were waiting for her and she mustn't disappoint them

 It was her job to feed and water the few animals the family had, which included the dogs and a few chickens that were kept for eggs. Uncle Fred and Aunt Helen owned the little house and two acres of land that sat about half a block outside of city limits. It wasn't a farm, though there was a small barn. There were a few scattered trees and a little stream. There was room for Aunt Helen to have a small garden every year and plenty of room for children to run and play.

They were very practical people who made the most of what they had to work with. Uncle Fred would have loved to farm for himself if he had the means to do so. Instead he worked on someone else's farm, five to six days a week.

Terah was glad Aunt Helen had convinced her husband not to put Sugar's puppies to sleep because they were mutts and served no practical purpose. She felt certain that half German Shepherd, half Collie pups would be cute enough to win some hearts and get them good homes. Possibly, she reasoned, even the owners of the wandering father would want one.

Sure enough, four were already spoken for. They would all be gone soon since they were weaning now and eating solid food. Terah would enjoy them while she could and keep hoping she could find a way to convince Uncle Fred that keeping one pup would be a good idea. If she could just think of a good reason that another dog would be useful and practical.

Just as she knew they would, those little furballs came bouncing and tumbling over each other to get to her as soon as she stepped into the barn. They were wagging their little tails and yelping both greeting and entreaty, begging for food and some petting. These little guys made her feel mighty important and loved. They were always so thrilled to see her and never seemed to tire of her attention
 Out there with the animals, Terah was in her own world. Actually, from the minute she stepped off of the porch each day it was as if she entered her own private world, full of thoughts, memories and experiences that were foreign to all the people she lived with back in the little house. It was her secret place where she loved to be.

Terah was different from the rest of the family. Though she had lived with the Zeers for seven of her ten years and used the Zeer name as her own, she still felt more like a visitor than a real part of the family. She felt different. She looked different. Both of her cousins (if indeed they really were cousins, and she supposed they must be, although she had wondered at times if they really were) had green eyes like their mother and soft wavy strawberry blond hair like their father's was before it turned gray. Both were fair skinned and a little plump. Neiah was thirteen. Olson was eight.
Neiah was the one who had told her that her mother and Terah's were sisters, but Aunt Helen would never talk about it and there were no pictures of her mother anywhere in the house. Once Terah told Neiah she was going to ask her aunt why there were no pictures of her mother and Neiah told her she had better not upset her. Terah decided to keep her thoughts to herself for the time being. Terah was already a little taller than Neiah. She was slender, had olive skin, hazel eyes and long thick brown hair. She had no resemblance to the rest of the family.Often the question had gone through her young mind: I wonder who I really am. I wonder if my name is really Zeer.

Terah got along with everyone, most of the time, though she didn't feel especially close to anyone except for Uncle Fred. Terah felt a special bond to her uncle. She was fairly introverted, opening up to no one very far.

Each morning after breakfast, Neiah had the chore of washing breakfast dishes. The only thing she liked about her job was that it was indoors. Olson's chore was carrying out the trash. After grumbling and complaining for having to go all the way outside to the curb, he would make a big deal of being the only one who had to carry such a heavy load since he was so strong and the females were so weak. Amidst the sighs and grumblings of the morning, Terah would rise from the table, wash her hands and head outdoors, sometimes pausing to collect any half eaten bacon or leftover toast to take to Sugar, her faithful and closest friend.

Then she was off without a word into a world that was all her own. At least the memories were all her own. She felt pretty sure that they were real memories. There had been times when she wondered if they were only figments of her imagination, just something from some sort of fantasy world she had created for herself. Indeed she did do her share of fantasizing when no one else was around. She would take her little memories and add her own stories to them. But the memories seemed to be too much a part of her, and sometimes showed up so unexpectedly that she decided to believe them to be very real and very much her own.

Even though she had been only three when her parents died, she felt that surely even a three year old might have memories that had stayed with her. A few things might have had enough of an impact as to not be forgotten completely. Even pesky Olson still talked about how happy he had been when his dad gave him the big yellow and black dump truck for his third birthday. It was in a big box, all wrapped in red paper, sitting in the middle of the table next to the birthday cake.

"Boy, was I surprised!” he would say over and over again. And he still wouldn't share it with anyone. “It's from my dad and I have to take care of it,” he would say with pride. Of course the truck sat in his room where he could see it every day, which helped keep the memory alive, and he still saw his dad every day, whereas the only thing Terah had from her past before coming to the Zeers was the little dress she had been wearing when she was brought to them.

There wasn't even a picture of her parents with her when she came. Once in a while though, when out in the barn with the animals, she would remember her father saying, “Aren't the animals a wonder, Terah? God made them for us to enjoy and they are precious.”

She could almost see his face. It wasn't clear, but she knew it was smiling. She knew it looked sincere and truly pleased. She also knew that it was clean shaven and she could feel his cool, smooth cheek against her own, but she couldn't get it focused clearly in her mind.

Sometimes she would let the memories come as she mixed Sugar's food, fed and petted her and her babies, and as she scattered the chicken feed. She would just savor the warmth they gave her when they began, but she would purposely tuck them aside, just sort of glancing at them in her mind's eye, enough so as not to let them slip away, until chores were finished. Then she would lean on a big hay bale while the puppies, tummies bulging, sprawled out and took their morning nap. In that quiet, restful atmosphere, she would begin taking them out, one at a time, slowly and deliberately and relive them carefully, enjoying the warm feelings of joy and security, value and love that they gave her.

She could feel her father's strong arms around her and a rough, calloused hand stroking her face as he looked into her eyes and said, “Terah, you are a special gift from God. You belong to him and to mommy and me. We love you an eternity full. You must never forget this. Never ever!” And she would repeat, “Never ever!”

At times she even imagined she could smell him. If only she could get his full face in focus! Sometimes she did think she saw it clearly in a dream, in the night, but when she woke it was hazy again. But those eyes! She could see such happiness and love in them, like she had seen on no other man. She thought her father must have had the most wonderful face in the world!

Then there were the times, like the warm summer mornings, when she was walking among the little baby chicks and suddenly she would be sitting in front of a large picture window on mama's lap. Mama would be braiding her hair and as the sunshine filled the room, mama would be saying, “You and your smile are my real sunshine, baby girl. I love and need you even more than we need that big sun up in the sky.” Sometimes she would be singing, “You are my sunshine...” and her hands felt gentle and caring as they worked the strands of hair into long braids. Then Terah would turn to look into her mother's face, but again it wasn't clear except for the eyes. Those eyes too would touch her deeply; soft, tender, loving eyes that spoke volumes to her soul.

Over the seven years with the Zeers, various memories had cropped up at different times and in different places. Their appearances were unpredictable, but most often it would be chore time, when with the animals. Only a couple had been bad and those she tried to never let surface again, although she couldn't control what she saw and felt in her dreams. In one she was reaching for her mother and crying frantically.Her mother was on a bed and someone with dark hair was carrying Terah out of the room away from her mother. In the other she was standing in Aunt Helen's kitchen, crying and crying. She was very tired and frightened and felt as though she didn't know what to do

When those memories came in the form of dreams, she would wake, sobbing deeply and shaking all over. She would hold herself tightly and tell herself that this was not a memory at all, only an awful, stupid dream. This usually happened after she had been looking at her little dress, the one she had arrived in when she came to the Zeers. So she took the little dress, folded it carefully, put it in a box, hid it away under the bed and didn't look at it any more.

There were better nights when she would drift off to sleep feeling herself snuggled between her parents, though she didn't see them in her mind. Other nights she fell asleep with the sensation of being held and rocked. She could hear her mother singing, “Close your little eyes and rest, lay your soft cheek on my breast...,” but was always asleep before she could hear more.

All these dreams and memories were her own secret. How could she ever share them? They were too precious to be made light of, laughed at or misunderstood. Who else could understand them or what they meant to Terah? Surely not anyone in the Zeer family. She figured such shows of affection and words of love would probably shock them. Uncle Fred and Aunt Helen were good people. They saw to it that everyone in the family were clean, fed and their needs met. But they certainly were not verbal about affection, nor were they cuddlers.

To sing a child to sleep would most likely be thought of as spoilin'. You might hear a chorus of “I've Been Workin' On The Railroad” or some other song of that type when someone was busy on some sort of work, like when Aunt Helen crocheted or Uncle Fred was hoeing the garden, but certainly they never sang little loving songs to the children.

They weren't beyond complimenting a job well done, but seldom was there any such thing as hugging. There was always a quick peck on the cheek or a pat on the shoulder to send each child off to bed and that was about the limit of physical affection toward the children. Terah had noticed little pats and hand squeezes between her aunt and uncle now and then. It always made her feel happy when she did. But Terah felt she was from another world, quite different from the one she had lived in for the last seven years, a world in which her presence played an important role in the happiness of those around her.

In that world, she had value and was important, as were those who were close to her. She imagined that she felt as a Queen might feel, who was greatly needed and loved by the people she served, but who somehow became lost in a foreign land without any of her royal apparel and where no one recognized her or hardly noticed her at all.

Terah knew she did things that helped out at home. She also knew that she must mean something to Uncle Fred because of what he had done last winter when she got trapped in the barn. It had been snowing lightly when she went out to check on Sugar. She decided to stack some hay bales in a half circle in one corner for Sugar to sleep behind, thinking it would be warmer for her to have a small place to snuggle up in. She fixed blankets behind the hay for a nice bed and after showing the little cave to Sugar and seeing her settled in, she started back to the house.

A storm had blown in and Terah could hardly push the door open. She went about four feet toward the house, but realized she could not see it. The snow felt like tiny pieces of ice hitting her cheeks, and was already getting deep on the ground so she went back inside the barn. She had only worn a sweater as she hadn't intended to be out long. Now it was cold and damp from the snow. Terah got another of Sugar's old blankets, crawled back in the little cave she had just built for her, snuggled up to the dog and covered them both. There she fell asleep.

She was awakened by Uncle Fred, who upon finding her grabbed her up in his big, strong arms and hugged her closely to himself, nearly crying and saying, “Oh my little dear one, you are all right, you are all right!” Covering her with blankets he had brought with him, he carried her back to the house, following a rope as a guide. It was hard work for him to walk against the fierce wind and sharp icy snow, but Uncle Fred pushed his way through that wind, holding Terah tightly.

When finally inside the house, he uncovered her but didn't put her down too quickly. He kept stroking her hair, saying, “I was so afraid you had gotten lost in the storm when you didn't come back!” She had never before heard her uncle call her his dear one, nor had him hold her close and stroke her hair. Since that time she had felt close to Uncle Fred. She felt she was special to him. It was quite a revelation, although she didn't quite know what to make of it.

At home with the Zeers, it seemed to Terah that no one really knew each other. Everyone had their place. Everyone knew things about each other, but somehow she knew that there was a “me” inside of me, a soul in everyone. No one in her household ever spoke of the soul. She guessed that her mom and dad must have told her about it or she had heard of it somewhere. How else would she have known? But she did know.

Terah felt that in her other world, the one she had come from, that “me“ was connected to other “mes” and was known and understood. How she wished she could go back there, if it were as real as she sensed it to be. Back there someone really knew “me”, she thought. I wonder, who I really am? But she couldn't go back. She didn't know where it was or how to get there.

So each morning she would let the memories carry her away and bring back the feelings of warmth, confidence and belonging. Somehow it made life more worth living. Somehow it made her feel there was a greater purpose for her being than the routine of the dull everyday.

Terah got in trouble a couple of times for snapping at Olson and running him out of the barn when he came running in unexpectedly, whooping and hollering, playing cowboys and Indians, while she was enjoying her memory time. He had told on her and Uncle Fred had informed her that neither the animals nor the barn were her private property. He told her she would have to do Olson's chore next day for treating him in a rude manner.

He went on, however, to tell Olson that he was not to go into the barn making a lot of noise because he might disturb sleeping puppies. He then looked at Terah with a twinkle in his eye, just a touch of a smile at the corners of his mouth and gave her a quick wink. Uncle Fred would never allow rudeness, but maybe he did understand her desire for some privacy.

Neiah understood, at least a little. She had come quietly into the barn, not long ago, and saw Terah leaning on a hay bale, eyes closed, smiling, while two fat puppies slept on her lap.

“Where are you, Terah?” she had asked, almost in a whisper.

Terah sat up with a start. She frowned for a second, then leaned back calmly and replied, “What do you mean, Neiah? You're looking at me. You can see I'm right here.”

“But you look far away, Terah. Were you visiting the place where you lived before you came here? Do you remember anything about that time or that place?”

“How could I, Neiah?” she asked with a puzzled look. “I was only three, remember?”
“Sure but I remember helping Mom make Dad a birthday cake when I was just three.” She sat down on the floor, gently picked up a sleeping puppy and cuddled him in the crook of her arm. “Each thing Mom measured I got to dump into the bowl. I got to stir it up too. I was very proud of having helped make that cake.

“I remember the big goose that used to chase me and snap at my behind every time I went outside, when I was three too. I think Mom finally cooked him for supper. She never said so, but he disappeared and the chicken we had for supper next day was the biggest I had ever seen. “

At that she giggled and Terah smiled too. Then Neiah looked gently but very seriously at Terah. “I'll bet you do remember something and that's why you like coming out here alone and thinking about it. Am I right, Terah?”

Terah shifted uneasily and looked down at the puppies who were starting to move around on her lap. They crawled to the floor and headed to their mother to nurse. Terah just shrugged her shoulders and put her face between her knees. Neiah was stepping on private territory and Terah didn't like it.

“Look, Terah,” Neiah went on, rather uncomfortably. “I know something else, too, something I'm not supposed to know.” Terah looked up

 “About me?” she asked.

“Yes, about you. You know how us kids are never supposed to get the mail?”

Terah just nodded.

“Well, I've always wondered why, so I started watching. I noticed that every week there was one envelope that would come that was a light blue color. When Mom saw it, she would look at Dad and nod, then take it to their room. One morning when Mom thought I was busy with dishes and paying no attention, she opened one. Just then Olsen fell off his bike and started crying. Mom laid down the mail and ran to him. Quick as a wink, I ran over and looked at what had come in that envelope. There was a note that said, 'For Terah's care,' and there was a check too! Terah, someone sends Dad and Mom money for your care!”

Terah's eyes were wide now and she was staring at Neiah.

“Are you saying that your parents have kept me all this time just because someone is paying them to?”

“No, Terah, of course not! I know Dad and Mom care about you. I've heard them tell each other that they're awful pleased with you, how you do so much without complaining.”

Now Neiah was upset and seemed desperate to make Terah understand that this had nothing to do with her parents feelings for her. Terah was shocked and looked nearly frozen, she sat so still and quiet

 “Really, Terah! I hear Mom and Dad say lots of stuff when they don't know I'm around and you have to believe me! They really care about you! Why they love you! Honest!”

Very slowly and almost without moving, Terah asked, “Neiah, why are you saying these things?”

Then she looked at Neiah and searched her face, looking right into her eyes. She could see that Neiah was about to cry. She must be sincere. Neiah was usually kind enough to Terah, even though she liked to take on a little air of superiority and play the big sister role. But she had never been a troublemaker.

“I don't know, Terah, it's just that this has to do with you and I thought you should know. As far as the money, well, it's a mystery, but it does come every week. As a matter of fact, two envelopes came yesterday.”

Terah was still staring at Neiah. She felt hot all over and suddenly very angry. “What do you mean? What are you talking about?” she demanded

 “I was curious,” Neiah went on, “so much that I couldn't stand it. When I finished the dishes, I asked if I could go for a walk. I went out the door, but I didn't close it all the way. I just closed the screen door. I walked off the porch, but then slipped back from the side and stood close enough to hear what Dad and Mom were saying.

I heard Mom say, “It's from Mirah. Says she'll be here next Saturday. Needs to see us. Says it's important.”

Dad said, “She can't come here! What if Terah remembers her? Why would she come after all this time? She hasn't been here since those first couple times in the beginning, after she brought Terah to us, to see if she was doing okay. She's not about to take her back now! With Terah's mom dead, and her job the way it is, why there'd be no way of her carin' for her.”

Mom said, “I know that Fred. I know.”

Dad sounded awfully mad. He said “I told you we should've gotten legal papers! I'll fight if I have to!”

“We've had her seven years,” Mom said. “That must mean somethin'. So calm down, Fred. Listen, Terah was too little to remember Mirah and Mirah knows that too. Why, she wouldn't know her from a door to door sales person.”

“Then what does she want? Why come here at all?” Dad asked. “Why not just write?”

“Well, maybe she wants to see for herself how Terah is and how she's turned out. Or maybe she's thinkin' of cuttin' off the money.”

Dad said that'd be just fine with him. “Mighty fine! We've got no legal claim to it and can survive just fine without it. But you hear me and hear me good, Helen. I won't let anyone bother that precious child. She's been through enough in her young life and no one's gonna bother her now.”

“No, Fred, no one,” Mom said. “Well, okay, that's settled then. She'll learn that right away. We'll hear her out. If she tries any nonsense, I'll show 'er the door!”

“Then it was real quiet, so I took off. I didn't want them to catch me,” Neiah said.

“They're being paid!” Terah said angrily. “By someone who doesn't want me!” She jumped up, twirled around and hit the air with a small clenched fist. Her head started to swim and she felt dizzy. She hadn't realized she had been holding her breath as she listened to Neiah. She had jumped up and twirled around too quickly. She stumbled and almost fell

 “Terah!” Neiah exclaimed. “Calm down!” She took both of Terah's clenched fists in her hands and tried to reassure her. “It's not like that, Terah. It can't be!”

“Why not? Everything's been a lie. Don't you see it, Neiah? Your parents wouldn't be worried about someone taking me unless there was a chance someone could. No one but a relative would have that right. I'm only a kid but I know people don't just come and take other people for no reason. All this time I thought I had no other living relatives. Your folks probably aren't even relatives or they wouldn't be so worried. Maybe your folks do care and maybe they don't keep me for the money, but somebody gives them money to keep me away from them and I want to know who it is! Maybe it's a grandmother. Wouldn't that be something?!” She laughed a cynical little laugh.

“Stop it!” Neiah demanded. “Stop saying 'Your parents! Your folks!”' They've been parents to you too and you know it! Terah, you mustn't say anything to Dad and Mom. Tell me you won't or I'll be in big trouble. I didn't have to tell you, but I didn't want you surprised on Saturday.”

With that Terah stopped and looked at Neiah. “But I have to know.”

“I know and you will. I'll try and do some more listening and find out what I can. Saturday's only one week away, so even if I don't find out more before then, this Mirah will be here then and you'll find out what's going on. But I will try, Terah. I will! Please don't get me into trouble or hurt Mom or Dad.”

Terah dropped her head and let her arms go limp. “I don't want to hurt Uncle Fred or Aunt Helen, or you,” she said weakly.

Neiah surprised her by going to her and putting both arms around her. She had never seen Neiah do such a thing to anyone

 “Oh Terah,” she said, “I didn't want to hurt you. I love you and I know Dad and Mom do. They're worried too. I hear it in their voices. You're like a big sister to me, even though I'm the oldest. I've wished I could be more like you.”

Terah searched Neiah's eyes. “I love you too, Neiah. Don't worry. I'll wait. I won't get you in trouble. I'll wait till Saturday. But if I don't know something by then, I'll have to ask questions.”

Neiah squeezed her. “That's fair, Terah. Thank you!”

Terah hugged Neiah back, then smiled. “Thanks for telling me. You're pretty brave. I didn't know you were my friend as well as my cousin.”

“I want to be, if it's all right.”

This sort of exchange was a first for the girls. It felt good. Terah took Neiah's hand and gave her a mischievous little smile. Now the girls shared secrets. They had expressed inner feelings to each other for the first time and it did feel good. There was a new bond between them. Neiah gave Terah's hand a little squeeze in return, smiling shyly, and the two girls walked to the house hand in hand.