Looking Back

Chapter 3: Looking Back
Fred and Helen sat up late the night they received the letter from Mirah. Both were restless and uneasy. Thoughts and feelings that had gone unexpressed over the years began to tumble out.

“Remember how sad and frightened Terah looked that first day when Mirah walked into the kitchen with her?” Fred asked his wife.

“She just kept sayin' 'Mama,' over and over, so quiet like, almost in a whisper,” Helen recalled

 “She looked so tired and pitiful,” Fred went on. “She'd look at us, then into Mirah's eyes and say, 'Where's Mama? I want Mama.' She'd touch Mirah's cheek and give her such a pleading look. Sometimes she would just say the word 'Mama' as though expectin' her to hear and come to her. Helen, the way she clutched at Mirah's clothes when she'd try to set her down, nearly broke my heart.”

“Oh, Fred, I still have dreams now and then, and I still see her standin' there in the kitchen cryin' and refusin' to move, just watchin' the door.”

“I know, Helen, she just wouldn't budge from that spot. Cried till she couldn't stand any more, then curled up on the hard ole floor and cried herself to sleep, plumb tuckered out.

 “I knew it was hurtin' you, Fred, when you left the room, then came back and picked her up so tender like and laid her on the couch.”

“You did know?” “Sure I knew.

 “Helen, I've never known much about prayin', but I prayed to God not to let that child's mother die.”

“So did I.”

“Did you now? I didn't realize."

“If only she would've got over it by mornin'. But I swear, I thought I couldn't take it when she woke next mornin' and took off runnin' into the kitchen, out the back door and into the yard, lookin' around so desperate like, cryin' 'Daddy! Daddy!

 “She didn't fight you, though, when you brought her back to the kitchen.

 “No, but she went right back to that same spot, stayed there, watched the door and wouldn't move.”

“I was hurtin' too, Fred.”

“I know, honey, I could see it in your eyes. You kept bringin' food to her, right there on the floor, when she resisted being moved. I saw tears in your eyes, but I didn't know what to do.”

“How many days was it before she let us move her?”

“Well after she had an accident there on the floor the first day, she would let us lead her to the bathroom, ever so often, but then she'd run right back. It was about three long days, I'd say, of Mama! Daddy! before she fell silent and just let us carry her to the table or to bed. Then back she'd go to watch the door.

“It was about a week before she left the kitchen on her own, sat in a corner, held herself with one arm, fingered her hair with the other hand and just stared with that blank look on her face.”

“You know, Fred, I wasn't sure if she'd ever pull out of it till you got the idea of bringin' in that little pup. How did you know to do that?

 “I didn't, just sort of hoped it would get her attention and divert her thoughts from her troubles.”

Helen patted her husband's arm. “Well, it did that all right!”

“At least it was a beginning, Helen. She did start comin' to the table in the mornings and movin' around a little. She'd do whatever she thought we wanted so she could then run onto the porch, pull Sugar out of that big box and hold her there on the top step while she watched the road. Still whispered, 'Daddy' and 'Mama' a lot.”

“But Fred, I was just devastated when we got word from Mirah that her mother was gone. The thought of that child never seein' her mother again was too horrible!”

“Yes, but she's come a long way, now hasn't she, honey?” Fred put his arm around his wife

 “My goodness 'yes' and she's never been a minute's bother. Truth is, Fred, I love that child, really I do.”

“So do I. So do I. But in some ways I feel like she never did get over the loss of her folks. Somehow she still seems to be a visitor whose heart really belongs somewhere else.”

“I know what you mean. She's here. She's good and can always be counted on. Rarely has needed any correctin', but it's like she's still a waitin', for I don't know what.”

“Wasn't it heart warmin', though, when she first started smilin' ?”

“Mercy yes, Fred! And what a pretty smile she had! I was always so busy with Neiah and enjoyed her jolly little ways, but until then my heart stayed sad, just the same, cause of the pain in Terah. Then when she started smilin', well, a weight sort of lifted off of me. The first time I heard her gigglin' at that pup, I almost felt like I could be happy again.”

“For me it was when that pup started lickin' Neiah's face and Terah actually laughed out loud. Before that, I almost felt like it was wrong to be happy at all with that innocent little thing hurtin' so bad on the inside. I felt like it was my fault somehow for keeping her here, even though I knew better. We were the ones wantin' to help. But when I heard that laugh, well....

 “You laughed too,” Helen finished for him.

“Sure did. We all did, didn't we?”

“Yes, we did. You found her medicine, Fred. It was the animals. They've been the best medicine she could've had.”

“Yes, and she still loves 'em, still loves goin' out to be with 'em every morning.”

“You know she wants one of those pups awfully bad, Fred. Are you gonna keep one for her?”

“Don't you think Sugar's enough?

 “Maybe so, but one thing's for sure, you know she would take good care of a pup. Have you watched her play with those puppies?

 “I've more than watched. I've listened when she didn't see me. She was sayin' things like, 'Oh, you cute thing. Do you know how precious you are to your mama? You've got a very good mama too. Look how she licks on you. That's dog kisses, you know.' Then in a sad voice, she said, 'You should never have to leave your mama. She would never leave you, you know. Maybe you'll be happy in your new home, though.'

 “Oh, Fred, is there any way that child could miss her mother after seven years?

 “If it were anyone other than Terah, I would say of course not. But I'm almost sure she does. She is an unusual person. She may not have a conscious memory of her. I don't know. But she misses her.”

“Her mother and father must've been wonderful people. I wish I could have known her mother.”

“Now, Helen, you're a good mother yourself. Don't ever doubt that.”

“Thanks, Fred. I hope so.”

“Maybe I will give her a pup after all, Helen. It wouldn't put us out that much.”

Helen smiled and said, “No, it wouldn't.”

“Could you stand to give Terah up, Fred?” she asked

 “Only if somehow it made her happier; happier than livin' here. Heaven knows she's done enough for us and been through enough in her short life. She doesn't say much, Helen, but she watches out for us. How many times have I started headin' off to work just to have her bring me somethin' she sees I've forgotten or might need?”

“More times than I can count, honey. And how many times has she saved her dessert, without you noticing, so she could slip it into your lunch, cause she knew it was somethin' you especially liked?”

“She's good to me, all right.”

“And me too. I couldn't count the times she's done things for me without a word. I've come in out of the garden to fix lunch and found soup on the stove and sandwiches made, sittin' on a plate on the table. Or she shows up when I'm busy, on a hot day, with a glass of iced tea. She's good at straightnin' up, then slippin' off out of sight, as if she hadn't been around at all. But I know it was her.”

“And how often do we really thank her or show her how much it really means?”

“I guess I've been afraid, Fred, that if I made much of it, the other kids would be jealous.”

“Well, Helen, we both know she doesn't do it for attention or she'd have stopped long ago. But she deserves to know we appreciate her. Truth is, I think she's been a good influence on Neiah and Olson. I even think Neiah looks up to her, though she's the older one. It would pain me deeply if she were to leave us. She's been more of a blessing than a burden. I won't stand for anyone taking her unless it will make her happier and be better for her in some way. I'll fight! We surely have some rights, having had her so long.”

“Let's not fret, Fred. It's awful late. Let's try and get some rest.” “Okay honey, you're right. There's nothing we can do tonight anyway. Unless... well, I wonder... do you know the right way to pray, Helen?”

“Don't know if there is a right way, sweetheart. I've not thought about it much. I was never sure if there was any real use for it. But if God's really up there, I would think a person ought to approach him mighty respectful like.”

“That does make sense. It couldn't hurt to try it, could it?”

“I don't think so. May be worth a try. I would think God would have a heart for Terah, anyway.”

“Okay then, let's. And Fred, I hope you know I love you.”

“Sure I do, honey. I love you too.”

The room that Terah shared with Neiah wasn't very big. There was room for two small beds and a chest of drawers, but no other furniture. Terah's bed was on the far left, Neiah's on the right. A tall chest of drawers sat between the two beds, against the wall, in the middle of the room. It served as a sort of room divider. There were six large drawers. Neiah had the top three, Terah the bottom three.

There was a braided rug beside each bed which Aunt Helen had braided herself. Each girl had picked out the colors for her own rug. Both beds had a pale blue spread. Neiah made bright red, yellow, and blue throw pillows to go on her bed. Terah made pillows too, but hers were of a pale blue fabric with tiny violets with green leaves. She crocheted an edge on her pillows of fine purple thread. The colors in her rug matched her pillows. Neiah liked the edging but had no patience for crocheting.Terah cut pictures of various animals and of fields of flowers from magazines, made cardboard frames for them, then hung them on her wall. Neiah had bright pictures of clowns on her wall.

The two sides of the room did not match, but the girls didn't care. Each girl's side was her own domain. They always respected this. They seldom bothered each other when on their side of the room. They never fussed much nor had much in common. Before now, they had never chummed much either. Terah was a loner and everyone pretty much just accepted her as she was. Terah never figured she had any close friends before now. She was decent to everyone, but wasn't one to open up to others. She minded her own business and kept to herself - until now, that is.

It was Neiah who instigated the talk in the barn, not Terah. But that night Terah felt glad for that talk with Neiah. It had been good for her to finally express some of her thoughts out loud to someone else. She had shared strong feelings and now she was glad she had. Having a friend felt good.

Now, however, Terah couldn't sleep. Her young mind was swarmed with thoughts. She had not been so excited or frightened since she was three years old. What if my mother isn't really dead? she thought. What if she is sending the money? Oh, that can't be! she told herself. That would mean she didn't want me. That just couldn't be! I'm sure my mother did love me.

What if I was kidnapped, taken from my mother and brought here? Why would anyone do that, unless my parents were rich and the kidnappers wanted money, like in that mystery I read in the school library. And maybe they didn't give me back for fear of getting caught. Wouldn't that be something?

Or what if my mother was kidnapped? That could've happened. People might think she was dead if she disappeared and couldn't get back. But then who would be sending the money? A government agency! Sure! Why didn't I think of that? Uncle Fred and Aunt Helen could be getting state help for keeping an orphan. It could be as simple as that. Like Barbra and Ann at school. They stay w ith a family and the state gives them money for their care.

Then she had another idea that bothered her at first. Suppose I have a relative, like an old, mean uncle or grandmother who doesn't want to be bothered w ith me, but pays for my keep? Well, so what? If they are old and mean, it would be terrible to live w ith them anyway. They might make me work for them like a slave. I should be happy if they pay so I can live here! I've lived this long without a grandma, so if they don't want to be bothered w ith a kid, I don't want bothered with them either!

Next came a truly frightening thought that made her shudder in the dark. Suppose some mean old relative, hadn't wanted to mess w ith a baby, but now that she is big enough to work wants her to use as a servant? What if they make me work from morning till night and beat me if I make a mistake?
A tear rolled down Terah's cheek and she was glad it was too dark in the room for Neiah to notice her crying.

Just then Neiah whispered. “Terah, are you awake?”

“Uh-huh.” “Are you scared, Terah?”

“Maybe a little."

 “Me too."

“Why should you be scared?”

“Oh,Terah, I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I don't want you to leave us either!”

“Don't worry any, Neiah,” Terah whispered. “I think I've got it figured out and it's really no big deal after all.

 “You do?” Neiah sounded surprised

 “Sure. Uncle Fred is probably getting some sort of government aid for keeping an orphan. That's all. I heard the Smith girls talking at school, about how their foster parents get money from the government for food, clothes, and whatever they need. I bet it's the same thing. It's not so bad. It really doesn't change anything.”

“Then why is someone coming here and why did it worry dad?”

“Oh, I don't know. Maybe they just want to know if the orphan is being taken care of all right. They might want to do that. I don't know and I don't care either. It really doesn't matter. I'm sure there won't be a problem. Uncle Fred and Aunt Helen would have to be treating me bad before anyone could take me. I think they just worry too much. Everything is okay here, so there won't be a problem.

 “Hey, you're probably right!” Neiah said, sounding very relieved and happy.

“I'm sure that's all it is. We probably worried for nothing. Just let my imagination run away with me. I think I can sleep now. That must be it! Night, Terah.”

Terah fluffed and punched at her pillow, pretending to try and get comfortable. She got up and moved the fan in front of the window to blow in the cool night air, then got back in bed and started working her pillow all over again. She was glad Neiah felt better, but she really wasn't convinced at all that the whole government idea was right. There was more to it; she could feel it. Finally she made herself lie still. She lay staring at the ceiling. “Whatever it is, I will face it soon.”

“Neiah,” she whispered. “Have you ever prayed?”

“I don't think so. Have you?”

“A little.”

“We could try it, Terah. Wouldn't it be great if God was really interested and would listen and even help?”

“Maybe he would.”

“Should we try it?”

“Okay,” said Terah. Then the two were quiet. Terah didn't know what Neiah prayed, but for herself, she just said, quite simply, God please help me and thank you for your time. Praying those few words made her feel better. She felt nostalgic, as if this or something like it had happened before. Prayer seemed somehow familiar to her, though she had no habit of praying. Neither had she heard the Zeers pray. She felt calm now and fell asleep rather quickly.